ESB

 

This message was taken off the answering machine last night:

You have too many stories about cats stuck in trees. What about dogs stuck in trees? Where’s the balance?


We just received this message via American Sign Language:



Someone texted this to us anonymously:

What kind of outfit would run a “story” on one of their advertisers and call it news? Aren’t there laws against prostitution in this state.

 

From a placard glimpsed at 8th Ave NE and Northgate Way:

Radish Crop Ruint!
All wiped out

Anything helps
God bless

This just in via windshield note:

The People needed an iPhone, so we had a meeting and decided to liberate yours. Sorry about the window but hey, at least you’ve still got wheels. Some folks don’t even got that much. So be grateful, Pig!

–EESLF

From the round file:

Is there a witch burning ban in effect? I don’t think that should apply to people who depend on witch fires for their only source of heat.

We’ve had two witch-burn bans in the past month and I’m starting to wonder whether there might be a few witches on the City Council. Please look into this. Thank you.

–Josiah Plank

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A reader wonders:

Is incest illegal in East Shoreline now? My cousin/brother told me it was. I don’t remember getting to vote on that.

–Cleofus Tweed

 

 

Some schmuck said:

Re: East Shoreline Events Calendar

Arts Fair-Farts Fair! What happened to Sodomy Days? What happened to Blasphemy Days? I’m sick of pussy activists taking away all our fun.

–Cranach the Elder

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From the In Box:

I’m seeing the word “shore” in East Shoreline, and I’m looking at the map, but I’m not finding anything that remotely looks like a body of water there. Unless you count the run-off ditch by the water towers.

My question is: What shoreline does your city name refer to, exactly?

–Mrs. Gwendolyn Spanky-Smythe

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A reader asks:

I see they just painted new crosswalks at the intersection by Ridgecrest Elementary. Can you legally run over someone who is walking outside the crosswalk? A friend of mine was wondering about that.

Please don’t put my name on the internet. Thanks.

–Jeebus Oatnik, Sr.

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A reader comments:

I just LOVE the East Shoreline Blog! I can’t leave home in the morning until I’ve read the traffic and weather reports. Please start publishing more frequently so I can get out of the house more.

–Col. Corgi Pembroke (ret.)

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Hi all. Sorry for this latest update for the East Shoreline Blog being a little late. Dial-up modem service was cut mid-day yesterday due to one of the attendees in the feature story hitting and damaging the key wire box connecting the blog to the rest of the world.

–Mark “Mr. East Shoreline” Brookes

 

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Dear David,

As you predicted, there have been so many hits on the East Shoreline Blog web server that last week our 13-year-old Tandy server melted. So if you were trying to post the second installment on my blog, you were probably stymied as we couldn’t receive anything all week. Our city blacksmith has since been pounding out new telephone wire into the wee hours and wandering West Shoreline’s beaches in search of scrap metal to cobble together a new dial-up connection. Late last night he lucked out with a low tide and found several parts he needed.

It should be back and running now, if you’ve been waiting with bated breath to add to the maiden ESB posting. I’ve got software people working 24/7 to harness the power of the Internet so we can bring you the next edition of ESB in full color.

–Mark “Mr. East Shoreline” Brookes

 

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